Writers block is legit. My brain was overflowing with topics that I wanted to write about for a while, but I couldn’t seem to scribble my thoughts down. It’s frustrating in a way, but when I finally snap out of it, the words flow easily and it makes the finished product better than it would be if I just slapped down meaningless words.
I’m back in Arizona now after spending Thanksgiving with family in Washington. I stuck to my vegan, gluten free and soy free “diet” pretty well, except my one slip up of a bean burrito from Taco Bell! Oops…. I went to my former company’s Christmas party and it was so awesome seeing all my friends that I use to see everyday. I didn’t think I would have that much fun without drinking, but I proved myself wrong, and I’m so proud that I didn’t give in to all the temptations of the alcohol and the food.
I was totally high on life that I felt drunk, hence the reason for the Taco Bell because everyone knows that’s the best drunk food ever! Anyway, NO MORE BURRITOS for me, well TB ones at least!
When I got back to Arizona, I started applying for jobs. Medical positions or serving positions because I have experience in both fields. I had an interview at a restaurant and got hired on the spot. Usually when you get hired somewhere, you experience excitement, relief and happiness, but not me. I instantly got a gigantic wave of tantalizing anxiety. From that moment on for the next two days, I couldn’t sleep and I was filled with fear and abnormal nervousness. I have this repeating cycle with jobs where I freak out with anxiety and it makes me psych myself out. I fear I’ll do everything wrong, people won’t like me, I’ll make a fool out of myself and I know it’s normal to make mistakes but I’m always extra hard on myself. If I don’t think I’ll be perfect at something, I don’t want to do it. I’ve quit five jobs in the past because of this anxiety and it’s a miracle that I’ve even held a job for over 3 years. My biggest fear is that I will not be successful in life due to anxiety and IBS. Tomorrow was going to be my first day and I cannot bring myself to go. Like, what’s wrong with me? I’m 25 years old and I have to work. I know this, but I have some freakish problem apparently. So, I had to make the most awkward phone call, which I’m use to by now and let them know I wouldn’t be taking the position after all. They reminded me to return their shirt and menu. I think I’ll spare myself the embarrassment and mail them those.
A lot of people might not understand anxiety, and they never will if they haven’t experience it. To those that have it however, you feel the pain. I feel like I’ve given into my anxiety and I’m fully aware that it controls my life. It’s easy to feel that I will never be free, but I’m trying to stay as positive as possible and finding coping skills that work. I have to remember all the things I have done in my life, like skydiving, traveling, parasailing, surfing, paddle boarding, flying a plane (kinda, I got to control it for a while), swimming with dolphins, zip-lining and just the little things like carpooling with friends, camping, beach trips, mountain trips and so much more. I find it helps to remember what you’re grateful for when you feel like the world is against you.
So, for now I’ll be focusing on my health, and take it one step at a time. I’m nine pounds down, and I today I biked 7.40 miles. Who am I!? I am eating the best I have ever eaten in my entire life, and that is something that if I can do, you can too! 24 days down of this lifestyle change and a lifetime to go.