Midnight Ramblings

If you have IBS, I highly suggest omitting alcohol from your beverage selection! I rarely drink, and it’s because beer shits are the real deal. I’m always getting asked why I don’t drink, and while it’s all fun and games at the moment, the next day is awful and totally not worth it. You might as well attach a funnel to my ass because the shit doesn’t stop ’til the fat lady sings! And trust me, that feels like an eternity. My uncle and his girlfriend are in town and they’re staying at this gorgeous hotel downtown Tempe. Yesterday, I was hanging pool side with them, and before I knew it we were pounding shots of Fireball. I do not know what possessed me, but three shots in, and I was down for the count.

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 There are good days and there are bad days with both IBS and Endo. Yesterday just happened to be a GREAT day between 12pm-6pm. I can pinpoint the exact times because from 8:30-12pm, I was filled with anxiety in preparation and during my dentist appointment. I could not stop pooping from the moment I woke up. I did not want to leave the house because I didn’t know how long it would take us to get there. I didn’t know what places to stop on the way if I had an attack! I was worrying if there was a bathroom in the lobby or in the back and how embarrassing it is asking numerous times to use the restroom. I was worried I would have to explode mid dental exam. Many say that I do this to myself, I make myself so worked up and to just RELAX. If only it were that easy, I would do it in a heartbeat. Tell me your secrets people! I survived the dentist and we headed over to the hotel to hang out with my uncle and his girlfriend. As the picture showed above, we were having an amazing time! My uncle and I were fascinated with the frequency of planes flying above us, it was literally every minute!

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Anyone who knows me, knows I’m obsessed with airplanes and flying! Okay, anyway… fast forward to 6pm and I feel like I’m going to hurl at any moment. I could feel the Fireball still churning in my stomach well into the night. I ate so much food that I shouldn’t have just to get rid of the burning sensation and was up until 2am! This morning, I still felt horrible. We went back to the hotel for round two, MINUS the alcohol. I laid there feeling sick to my stomach and I could feel myself ovulating. I’m not sure if it’s normal to feel yourself dropping eggs, but it’s not a pleasant experience. It’s a sharp persistent pain in the exact same spot all day! I knew I needed a nap because I was getting cranky and let me tell you, IBS nightmares are REAL!!! I woke up in confusion as to where I was, because my dream was so vivid. For some reason, I was going to jail and they sent out an uber to pick me up from my house. I was shitting every five seconds and right as I am on the can, these two convicts come in the bathroom all shackled up and handcuff me! How am I suppose to wipe my ass?! Oh, sure let me just ask my dad for help. So there I am, having my dad wipe my butt and I can just feel that he’s not doing it right! I’m sure he’s not getting it all clean, but there’s no time because the convicts are just staring at me. My brother is telling me “Amanda make sure you’re not being a quiet shy girl when you get there because they’ll see you as a target and beat you up.” Thanks for the great advice!  Luckily I woke up before I actually got to the jail because I don’t think I could have taken it any longer!  I wonder if I’m the only one who has shitting nightmares…

I still don’t feel like I moved, I just feel like I’m on vacation. I guess that is to be expected as I’ve only been here for five days, but today I was feeling restless.  Today was one of those days where I blame everything that I feel is difficult is because my IBS and Endo. I don’t like to say I have a difficult life because I know it could always be worse.  I caught myself thinking negatively and when you have chronic illnesses, that’s the last thing you want to do. I am constantly having to remind myself  to think positively. It’s so easy to throw the blame when it feels like nothing is going your way. I’m always thinking how much further along in life I’d be if I didn’t have these issues. I would have actually been able to go volunteer abroad in Peru that’s partially paid for already. I would be a flight attendant, living my dream job. I would have traveled to places that I yearn to go to, but know that I can’t! I would be able to do simple things like go to the grocery store without having to drop my groceries and run for the bathroom. So, as I was driving home from the hotel, I was looking at this crowded bar and it looked so fun, but extremely crowded. I thought to myself “I could never go in there, there’s probably only one bathroom for all those people!” I saw couples walking along the sidewalk going into restaurants, and I again thought to myself “I’ll never be able to  casually go on cute little dates to restaurants.” As I started thinking negatively, I could feel my whole mood shift. I felt depressed, and this is a vicious cycle between good days and bad days. That is life though, and it’s important to remind yourself daily of everything for which you are thankful!

Moving is a challenging experience and I’ve got a long road ahead of me, but I’m hopeful! Next weekend my mom and I leave for the detox retreat center in California! In the meantime, I’ll just enjoy my views here in Arizona. 🙂

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Thanks for reading! Xoxo

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